For a long time I have known that I don't work the same way as other people. I don't feel the same because of that I don't think or act the same. In many situations I am aping the feeling of others because it is expected. So as not to rock the boat. So I don't make other people uncomfortable. I do feel things pain, anger, shame, joy, but I have come to understand that they are muted compared to the general public.
I guess the title is a dual question. What does it mean for you to feel, and what does it mean for me to feel? Honestly, as hard as I try I cannot understand how the general population makes it through a given day. With such a range and depth of emotion why aren't you crying in a corner or over come with bliss at some point every day? How do you contain this frothing sea of sensation? I cannot imagine making it through the day.
My wife is one of you. She has tried so hard to explain how it works, what she feels. It just goes over my head, like 8th grade math to a 5th grader. I understand all of the words individually, but they don't make any sense when you put them all together. Can you imagine what it's been like for her to be so in love with me and feel all that she feels, only to have my emotions return to her? It causes her so much pain and uncertainty some times. Just as I cannot understand your ways she cannot understand mine. The problem is her feelings are more than I will ever be able to comprehend, which is amazingly reaffirming, but mine seem shallow and petty. Imagine how you would feel if your partner seemed to have no depth of feeling for you. Truly think about it and how it would color every interaction you had every thought. That is her every day.
I just realized I have not answered the 2nd question, "What does it mean for me to feel?" It is hard to say, mostly because I still haven't decided whether or not I'll share this blog with her. Fuck it. I can always make it private if I have to.
For me to feel... is like lukewarm water. That is my emotional range is rather mild. You go from freezing to boiling. I go from kind of cold to kind of hot. Don't get me wrong, I can get pretty angry or extremely happy but only for moments. People that know me might disagree, but remember at the top I said I ape the emotions they expect to see. Most of the time I look much more emotional than I am.
Examples:
Death and Love arguably bring the greatest levels of emotion
Death
My mother just spent 30 minutes telling me how she is assisting in medical suicide (legally, to be clear) for her friend of 20 years, and slowly watching this woman die. I have met this woman. We've hung out. She's a great person. Through the whole telling I feel exactly as I would during a budget meeting at work. There is one moment of slight sadden as she fight back tears, but that is all.
When I heard my dad might have cancer, concern caused by iffy blood tests, I felt worried, but less so then I have seen my wife fret over the children being out late. No cancer by the way.
When I learned my mother had 15lbs (6.8kg) of tumors in her stomach and we were waiting for results from the doctor, I was more worried than with my dad's issue. About as much as my wife seemed to be when the oldest, at age 11, was gallivanting around, didn't come home on time, and couldn't be reached for about an hour. The tumors turned out to be benign.
As a child classmate died and I became enraged and damaged somethings. This feeling lasted only about 20 minutes though. Once I had broken the thing I felt fine.
At my grandmother's funeral, I was in my 20's, I had a very hard time. I cannot express the feeling beyond sadness because of my mother's pain, but again it lasted no more than an tens of minutes and I was close with my grandmother. Many of my best memories are with her.
When I heard my dad might have cancer, concern caused by iffy blood tests, I felt worried, but less so then I have seen my wife fret over the children being out late. No cancer by the way.
When I learned my mother had 15lbs (6.8kg) of tumors in her stomach and we were waiting for results from the doctor, I was more worried than with my dad's issue. About as much as my wife seemed to be when the oldest, at age 11, was gallivanting around, didn't come home on time, and couldn't be reached for about an hour. The tumors turned out to be benign.
As a child classmate died and I became enraged and damaged somethings. This feeling lasted only about 20 minutes though. Once I had broken the thing I felt fine.
At my grandmother's funeral, I was in my 20's, I had a very hard time. I cannot express the feeling beyond sadness because of my mother's pain, but again it lasted no more than an tens of minutes and I was close with my grandmother. Many of my best memories are with her.
Love
This is more like a 3rd grader trying to understand 9th grade math. I'm the 3rd grader. Those of you who have been married or were so in love you would have said yes if asked, think of that feeling. For those that have not had this experience it is a massive load of complex feelings that tend to defy description. Now that everyone has a base line, I will explain this one. I am completely devoted to my wife and want to be with her until we die in each other's arms at age 113.
The feelings that bring me here are going to surprise you though. I am happy when I am with her. She is not irritating. She is smart. She can bring me a feeling of peace and contentment just by walking into a room, sometimes just by thinking of her. And that's it.
Now I know this seems paltry compared to what you are feeling or did feel, but for me this is wholly unique. She is the only creature human or otherwise to bring this level of feeling out of me for more then a few minutes, let alone this almost constant increase to my base emotional level. Bell curve here, on a scale 1-10 average (70% of the time) for me is about 4-6. With her around average (again 70%) is 5-8. We may feel things differently but you must admit that is one hell of an increase and no one and nothing has had such an effect on me. I will do everything in my power to stay with her until we're 113, but these are the things I feel.
The feelings that bring me here are going to surprise you though. I am happy when I am with her. She is not irritating. She is smart. She can bring me a feeling of peace and contentment just by walking into a room, sometimes just by thinking of her. And that's it.
Now I know this seems paltry compared to what you are feeling or did feel, but for me this is wholly unique. She is the only creature human or otherwise to bring this level of feeling out of me for more then a few minutes, let alone this almost constant increase to my base emotional level. Bell curve here, on a scale 1-10 average (70% of the time) for me is about 4-6. With her around average (again 70%) is 5-8. We may feel things differently but you must admit that is one hell of an increase and no one and nothing has had such an effect on me. I will do everything in my power to stay with her until we're 113, but these are the things I feel.
Now do you see why this would cause a partner pain? Really it has hurt most of the people close to me at some time or another. What most don't get it how much it has helped them. I have been told the most painful or horrible things about people's lives. In me and my steady emotional state, they have a place to go when the world is too much. A shoulder to cry on. A wall to bounce ideas and thoughts off of that could hurt other people. When you cannot tell anyone you could be dying because of how much pain and fear it would cause them, you come to me. I am where you going when it is all to much and you have to tell someone. In the end I guess it's a sword that cuts both ways. I can help carry your heaviest burdens, but I can never empathize with you.
What does it mean to feel? I guess I still don't know and probably never will, but neither do you. Though I doubt I will ever be able to understand your kind, hopefully this helps you understand my kind a bit better.
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